Negotiating Tips for Everyone

We negotiate every day of our lives. Some negotiations are intentional and obvious, like buying a car, or settling a dispute between siblings. Other negotiations are more subtle, like deciding who should be next in line at the ATM!

Here are some of my favourite tips for negotiating all of life’s obstacles,

Allan Revich, M.Ed.
WorkitOutMediation.com

Ten Negotiation Tips

1. Be prepared in advance
2. Listen patiently
3. Identify your interests, resources, and values
4. Focus on solutions, not on problems
5. Articulate clear, achievable goals
6. Be open to new ideas
7. Take notes instead of interrupting
8. Imagine yourself in the other person’s place
9. Ask questions rather than trying to “score points”
10. Always keep track of possible alternative outcomes

Bonus Tip! Get help from an expert. A neutral third party can help you reach the best possible solution.

Three Questions to Ask Yourself

1. What is it I would like to get from the other party?
2. What will change for the better if I get what I want? If the answer to this question is not clear, reevaluate your goal!
3. What can I do to encourage the other party to help me reach my goal ?

Three Roots of Conflict

1. Values (Shared vs. Conflicting)
2. Resources (What is being “fought over”?)
3. Power (Who has it? What is the balance? How can it be shifted?)

Three Wisdom Bytes from Ancient China

2500 years ago Sun Tzu wrote in The Art Of War that there were three things that every general needed to know.

Sun Tzu said:

1. Know yourself (Understand your own values, needs, and goals)
2. Know who you are dealing with (Understand the values, needs, and goals of the other people)
3. Know the terrain (Understand the power context of your situation, and the resources available)

Three Fundamental Needs

Sometimes it can be helpful to sit back for a few moments to ponder what motivates people to do the things they do, and say those things they say. One of the earliest motivation theorists was Abraham Maslow. He proposed a hierarchy of needs, that he illustrated graphically as a pyramid. He proposed that higher needs could not be realized until lower needs were satisfied.

I have proposed an alternate model that I believe to be more useful, and more accurate, in addition to be elegant, simple, and easy to relate to.

1. Security Needs (I need to feel safe in order to carry out my duties at work and my obligations at home)
2. Status Needs (I need to know where I fit in the social hierarchies that I interact in – and I want my status within each socialcircle to reflect my self-image)
3. Stimulation Needs (I need to be actively engaged in activities that I find meaningful, interesting, and exciting)

Rather than thinking of needs as hierarchical, each of the three fundamental needs is present simultaneously in all of us. What varies, is the degree of importance of different needs for different people. Next time you are negotiating with somebody, you might find it helpful to “step back” and think about which of their fundamental needs is not being met, and if there is a way that you can help them to meet that need.

Five Basic Negotiation Modes

People use five basic behavioral modes to negotiate with one another. Most people exhibit a preference for one mode, but we often use different modes for different circumstances.

The five basic modes are:

1. Avoiding
2. Accommodating
3. Competing
4. Compromising
5. Collaborating

The Collaborating Mode is generally preferred, and is the mode most likely to result in win-win outcomes. However, expert negotiators are adept at using all five modes. Each of the five basic modes has advantages and disadvantages depending on context. You can learn your own preferred mode from the highly respected Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument (TKI)